Today

Do you know what today is? Do you ever remember?

We had plans, you know.

Last year was Vegas. You had never been. We were going to have so much fun. Shows and walking the strip and non-stop eating. How was I going to out-do that one? I was kind of pondering Disneyland. Don't act like you are too old for that. We both know better. You are fooling no one.

We had lots of plans, you know. Five year plans. One year plans. Next week plans. Hawaii for our five year anniversary. I just stayed at home instead. Big family Christmas. I didn't really see either family this year. Bet you never saw that coming. You'd probably be in your new job now. I might still be at E+. Enjoying my bonus. We'd have put in our new fence, finally. Paid off some more debt. We'd probably still be fighting over which cupboard the cereal should go in.

Sometimes I let myself fantasize that you chose this. That there was some sort of epic decision you got to make. Stay and struggle or speed on up to heaven and leave a better life for me. I imagine that you would have known it would almost destroy me but that I would somehow be better off one day. That it was some sort of sacrifice on your part.

But I know you know I'd have killed you myself for pulling a stunt like that, so there's no way it could have gone down like that.

I think I'm still just wishing there was a reason. Or some kind of choice in any of this at all.

Do you remember when we talked about dying? Sitting at our kitchen table. I was telling you which song I'd want at my funeral and you got huffy with me. I asked you which one you'd want at yours and you went from huffy to downright annoyed. You hated talking about death. Because of Fred. Today is the anniversary of his death too. Do you remember those kinds of things? I still do. I remember him for you. Just in case.

We agreed that if one of us was to go, it would have to be me. Because there was no way I could survive you going first. Even then you knew that it would change me. That the sadness would drown me. That I would never be me again. We agreed on that. AGREED. I promised I'd come back and haunt you. That I would never be far away, that you'd always know I was still around, looking out for you.

Then you promised you'd do the same.

But you haven't, have you? All this time, I have never felt you near. I don't get any signs from you, I don't see your ghost hovering out of the corner of my eye. You don't tell me you are ok. So much for promises, I guess.

People think that because I'm engaged now I'm 'fixed'. All better. They don't understand that there are some things you cannot fix. Some hurts that are so deep you can never reach the bottom of them. I still feel sliced in half.

Especially today.

If I had a superhero costume I'd dress up in it and hold a party of one. I'd find you some funny card, the kind you used to secretly stash in your little memory shoe box at the bottom of the closet. If I had the energy I'd get a cake and light some candles. But it's lame when you have to blow them out yourself.

Just know that while the rest of the world keeps spinning away, I will be remembering. I never forget.

Happy 28th birthday, babe.

Broken

by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Life After Death

I read somewhere about the Near Death Experience Research Foundation and decided to check it out this morning. I have more than my fair share of questions about what happens when we die and I was curious about what they had to say. Their site mentioned a few books on the topic and, ever the scholar, I made my way over to the Chapters website to check them out.

Now many widows have told me about times when they were thinking about their deceased spouses and a particular song would come on the radio and they would take it as a message from them. I never paid much attention to these because I figured if Craig wanted to talk to me he better do a hell of a lot better than some song on a radio. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't know if I fully buy into that. I think when we are desperately seeking for meaning in events, we can find it almost anywhere. However, that doesn't make these types of incidences any less comforting or reassuring.

With that in mind, I typed 'life after death' into the Chapters search box, expecting a few books talking about near death experiences and the like. Instead I get:

That's right, the first result is "Batman: Life After Death".

I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Craig, ever the comic book lover and action hero nut, would have enjoyed that immensely.

The New Ring!

I know a lot of widows/widowers who have struggled with wondering what to do with their wedding/engagement rings from their marriage. Wearing them on your ring finger on your left hand signifies that you are married to the rest of the world. I wore mine for the first few months because, as I told so many people at the time, I still felt married. Then I wore them off and on for another few months, depending on my mood each day. Sometimes just the sight of them was enough to reduce me to tears so if I had somewhere to go, off they came. I also noticed people commenting on me not wearing them and that would bother me as well.

For awhile I tried just moving them over to my other hand but it never quite felt right for me - it was a beautiful white gold set that Craig had bought me for our fourth wedding anniversary. He had beeen promising me a new set for years since my original wedding and engagement bands did not match (we couldn't afford much at the time we were married). Part of the heartache associated with my rings was from not being able to wear them for very long. And they were just so beautiful and he had spent so much time with me carefully picking them out so I would love them and wear them forever. But they were very clearly and obviously a wedding/engagement set so wearing them on my right hand just seemed wrong to me.

I thought about keeping them to pass them on but I don't really have anyone I'd pass them on to since we didn't have any children. The idea of letting them sit in a jewellery box somewhere collecting dust just made my stomach churn - Craig would have been so disappointed to see that. And while I may have desperately needed the cash, the idea of pawning or selling them was totally out of the question. I'd rather eat Kraft Dinner for a year than have to do that.

So I did some research and hunting around and found a jeweller in Calgary who does beautiful custom pieces, many of them memorial rings like this one. I met with him and had a three hour heart to heart about loss (he'd had his own share of it in his life) in what was was supposed to be a fifteen minute appointment.

Long story short, we came up with a design together to melt down all five rings (Craig's original wedding band, my original wedding/engagement set, and my new wedding/engagement set) to make one gorgeous new ring that I can wear on my right hand. He is using all the gold and all the diamonds to make me the perfect memorial ring.

Attached are some pictures for you to check out for those of you thinking about doing the same thing. I won't have the finished product for a few more weeks but once I have it, I'll be sure to post those photos as well.

Missing in March

Well, the month of March is finally over and I have to say, I am more relieved than I would have thought to have it behind me. I knew this would be a tough time of year but the fluctuations in my mood caught even me off-guard.

I would have days of total elation and joy and days of all-out misery and overwhelming sadness. With the time that has passed, the constant sharp onslaught of grief has passed, but that isn't to say it doesn't still reappear whenever it feels like it. I often will go for several days at a time with this overwhelming feeling of misery and grief and it takes just that long to process it, experience it, and wait for it to be over.

One of the things I do is try to pinpoint exactly what it is that I am missing most that day. Do I miss Craig's laughter that day? Is it the sound of his voice? His physical presence? I try to find the thing that is biggest and focus on it, remember it, invest in it. I find this way of bringing it out of my peripheral and into my line of sight might be more painful at first but in the long run helps me get through these periods of sadness a lot quicker. Sometimes you just need to lean into your grief.

I have felt very beat up by the world this last year and particularly the last few months. Seems every time I turn around somebody is upset with me for something (sounds melodramatic, I know). I've had more disagreements with friends and family than is necessary over the course of a lifetime and I think that is what has been getting to me. Not so much that I feel like I'm constantly in the doghouse, but because I miss having someone on my side. I have truly missed the way Craig was always in my corner, no matter what. Even when he thought I was being ridiculous. He had this way of letting me vent and cry and get upset and being totally supportive but still making me laugh and see if I was the one in the wrong.

I don't remember ever feeling like he was ganging up on me along with everyone else. I used to love how I would vent and get louder and more pissed off and he would jump in enthusiastically and sort of egg me on. At first it would be stuff like, 'yeah, she is so rude!' and then he'd get louder and even more exuberant and it would escalate into, 'yeah, and she has fat ankles!' until I started to realize how ridiculous it was and would start laughing. God, I miss that so much.

I often wondered with Craig and I if we were really all that good for each other. We were such opposites. SUCH opposites. He was athletic with this quiet, dry sense of humour. I'm a couch potato who likes to be loud and make everyone laugh. he was usually slow to anger but, man oh man, when he exploded, look out. Whereas I am quick to take offense, explode, and then simmer and be over it by morning. He would analyze and analzye before making any kind of a decision while I would barrel ahead and refuse to look back, usually with him hanging on for dear life as I plowed forward. These differences often drove me crazy and would frustrate me into wondering how on earth we had ever ended up together.

Now when I look back, and I hope it's not just the distance clouding my vision, I think maybe that was what made us work so well. We were such a balance for each other. I changed so much while I was with him, as he did too. We sort of adopted many of each other's personality traits- something I didn't really notice until after his death. While often we seemed to bring out the crazy in one another, we did keep each other in check as well.

I have come to learn that a relationship like that takes years to form. That type of familiarity where you sort of meld into one another. There is a level of comfort and and trust that stays with you for a lifetime.

So this last month I have missed that ying to my yang, that wonderful listener, and, of course, our little Team Garvin ('It's us versus the world!' as Craig liked to say).

I Survived... A Look Back

Well, yesterday was The Big Anniversary, one whole year since Craig's accident. Before I tell you my thoughts on this, let me fill you in on what I did:

1. Slept in. I use the term 'slept' rather loosely. My knee injury flared up right when I went to bad so I was in agnoizing pain for hours and had a hell of a time falling asleep in the first place. So I refused to get out of bed at a sensible hour. I count this as sleeping in.

2. Drove out to Radium for the day. I love Radium. Craig loved Radium. We spent a lot of time there and there is nothing like the mountains to make me feel like I'm safe and at peace. The new boyfriend took great care of me, acting as my chauffeur for the day. Unfortunately the weather turned south about half an hour from Radium so we had to turn around and come home. That's about 5 hours without a pee break as he so gently reminded me... oops. But the mountains were still beautiful and I still had fun. One sidenote: I lost my ipod (curses!) so we were forced to listen to my cd collection which, because I have (had) an ipod, is rather sparse and rather old. I basically haven't bought a cd since high school. Lets just say, I had some horrendous taste in music back then. And technically still do. Because I rather enjoyed myself while he struggled to refrain from rolling his eyes and merely suffered in silence.

3. I had a nap. Only 40 minutes but it was GLORIOUS. To this day, there is nothing I enjoy more than a good couch nap.

4. Went out to dinner and a comedy show with some good friends. It was fun and funny, the perfect distraction.

Seems like kind of weird way to spend the one year anniversary, sure. But I have had so many bad days and weird anniversaries in the last year that I have learned a thing or two about how to handle them. There was Craig's birthday, our wedding anniversary, my birthday... and on and on and on. I have found that nothing sucks worse than spending it alone, that it hurts like hell when other people don't remember, and that the best you can do is to do whatever you feel like doing, whether that is crying all day, doing laundry, or taking an impromptu (and rather hazardous) drive out to another province.

The rather long drive did give me a lot of time for reflection (most of which I did out loud) and was a great way for me make note of what this year has meant.

Obviously, it started out as crappy as a year can start. March 16 of last year was the worst day of my life, hands down. And unfortunately, there were many, many days just as horrible that followed. There were dozens of days I thought I would never make it, thought I would literally die from heartache.

I found reserves of strength I was stunned to know I had. Tenacity I didn't think I possessed. Resiliance and an ability to pick myself up off the floor, grit my teeth, and fight my way back into the real world.

I discovered amazing and wonderful friendships with people who, despite being terrified, got into the trenches with me to help me through this. I met people who inspired and moved me, fellow widows and widowers who served as both cheerleaders and mentors on this journey for me (not to mention a daily sounding board for my ranting and raving and advice-begging).

Sadly, on the flipside, I also went through a string of secondary losses. People who disappeared or slid out of my life, some just not fitting anymore and others with no desire to be there. These hurt exactly as much as you'd think and were far too frequent. They say grief rewrites your address book and this couldn't be more true. The benefit here, if you can find one, is that the people in my life now are the people I truly love and who truly love me. The friendships are richer and more sacred.

I made some big moves. I quit my job and changed my career. I went back to school, travelled, changed homes and neighbourhoods, and even renovated my new house (ok, technically I just helped).

I forced myself to live way, way outside my comfort zone. I tried rollerblading (not so good for a girl without balance) and pool (I still suck). I even busted my knee trying snooba in the Dominican. In hindsight, maybe I'll try fewer new things this year.

I found an amazing man who joined me on this journey. New love and new plans that transformed me and gave me something I sorely needed: hope. And, of course, someone to laugh at all my lame jokes.

I have found a new way to live and a new life.

As hard as it has been, I have found ways to say goodbye to Craig, to miss him but live without him. I have found ways to survive.

I find my good days far outweigh my bad and this is a comforting thought. That nothing in this life is permanent, which is a a good thing rather than a bad one. Because while it means the people you love can disappear at any moment, leaving you broken and barely breathing, no situation is permanent, it only comes to pass, not to stay. You can pick up the pieces and move forward and eventually things will move forward with you.

So, Craig, I love you and miss you. I know you'd be proud of me and cheering me on through this past year. Thanks for nine wonderful years.

I'll never forget you.

The Tree In A Forest

I was reminded once again yesterday of just how much I have lost.

I was talking to someone about nicknames your friends have for you and I realized I don't have any nicknames anymore. He said it came from knowing someone since you were kids. Ah. It hit me - I don't have friends who have nicknames for me because the only friend I've had since I was a kid was Craig. And all my nicknames disappeared when he did.

It is such a strange feeling, having half your life wiped out like that. Imagine having that best friend you spent the last decade of your life with, who knows you better than anyone, who can read every gesture and facial expression, who has a thousand pet names and inside jokes that only the two of you share. Imagine that kind of closeness.

Then it is gone. Wiped out. Disappeared.

You cannot regain those moments or capture them in a story. You cannot recreate those years of your life with someone else. You cannot condense all those thousands of moments down into one perfect story. It all just disappears.

My life has become the proverbial tree in a forest - it fell but nobody was there to hear it since the one person who did hear it no longer exists. So did it really happen?

It doesn't really feel like it.

It feels like I have no history, no past, no shared story with anyone.

My history disappeared with the only other person who was there for it.

No wonder it feels like I barely exist these days.