The New Year

Only two more days until the new year and, heck, I'm actually excited.

If people had said to me months ago that 2011 would be a good year for me, I'd have answered in anger, 'How can it be a good year when it's my first one without my husband?'

2010 was supposed to be a good year too. Craig sent me flowers to my work in the middle of January - the first time he ever did that. I remember my coworkers teasing me about what he could possibly have done wrong since it wasn't my birthday or an anniversary or anything.

I still carry the card he sent with those flowers in my purse everywhere I go. This is what it says:

"Hey babe, just a little thanks for all your hard work over the past few years with school and work, helping me through them both. More recently I wanted to thank you for Christmas and taking care of me when I wasn't feeling good. I know 2010 will be a great year and I look forward to sharing it with you as we work toward acheiving our new goals (when I achieve the spelling). Love, Craig"

I remember how those words stung so much after he died. So much for a great year. So much for spending it together. So much for 'acheiving' our goals.

But time has marched on and life has changed.

This year was nothing like I could have predicted, not in a million years. It had so many low moments, the lowest of my life. So much heartache, so much suffering, so much pain.

It also had some of the greatest moments of my life. Moments that caught me entirely off-guard, bringing laughter and joy I never thought I could feel again.

And it's because of those moments I look forward to this next year. This will be another year of changes for me, both big and small. My life will be unrecognizeable yet again, at this time next year, compared to where I am sitting today.

This time I look forward to change. I embrace it. Because I know that with change comes life.

And there is nothing I want more than to live my life.