One of the things most grief counsellors or experts will tell you is that two things in your life will take an enormous hit when your spouse dies:
1. Your focus
2. Your self esteem
Well I am living, breathing proof of both.
I am trying desperately to finish up the accounting courses I am taking right now so I can have my Accounting Certificate by Christmas (Craig would be so proud I FINALLY finished after almost 4 years).
Classes end with finals on Saturday.
Now I used to be a good student. 4.0 GPA. Obsessive compulsive about homework. Best in class (side note: I had an instructor in college who stamped the papers of the top 3 students in her class on each assignment... I don't think I need to tell you how fanatical I was about this).
Now?
Not so much.
It takes me twice as long to learn half as much. My focus has gone out the window (I am taking my umpteenth study break of the day to write this... oh look shiny keys!) and I simply cannot seem to retain what I read anymore. It's hopeless.
And of course this leads to the second problem: self-esteem takes a nose dive.
School was the one thing I was good at. Sports - I'm too clumsy. Singing - couldn't carry a tune to save my life. Home repairs - I'm more likely to hit myself with a hammer than any nail.
School was kind of my one thing.
And now I don't even have that.
I feel smart... s-m-r-t.
Can I put this on the list of things from my Before Life that I would like to have back? I feel it's only fair.
And then I'll never ask for anything again.
...
...
...
Until tomorrow.
Emily I have been following your blog since October now (I stumbled upon it from Karlas and I hope you don't mind).
ReplyDeleteYour writing is an incredible gift. While reading it, your words have aroused many different emotions in me. Everything from sadness (with many tears), anger, joy, happiness, and some I can't even describe. It isn't often one gets to read something that seems to bear life itself. As though your words breathe life and pull me deeper into your work.
I wanted to tell you before, but didn't know how to. If you wrote a book, I'd buy it! That's how much your writing moves me. It emblazons my heart with even more love for my husband and reminds me not to take him for granted. It stirs in me to tell him when he comes home that I love him and say it 20x a day, and to forgive him quicker then he upset me.
So you have not lost every gift you have, is I guess what I am trying to say. Your writing is amazing.
I pray God will grant you your wish, until tommorow I hope you know there is 1 thing you are remarkable at...and that is your writing.
Emily...I so understand this as well. I like to say I have ADOS. Attention deficit....OOOHHH Shiny! :)
ReplyDeleteCan I just say you are amazing for surviving this!
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