I was reminded once again yesterday of just how much I have lost.
I was talking to someone about nicknames your friends have for you and I realized I don't have any nicknames anymore. He said it came from knowing someone since you were kids. Ah. It hit me - I don't have friends who have nicknames for me because the only friend I've had since I was a kid was Craig. And all my nicknames disappeared when he did.
It is such a strange feeling, having half your life wiped out like that. Imagine having that best friend you spent the last decade of your life with, who knows you better than anyone, who can read every gesture and facial expression, who has a thousand pet names and inside jokes that only the two of you share. Imagine that kind of closeness.
Then it is gone. Wiped out. Disappeared.
You cannot regain those moments or capture them in a story. You cannot recreate those years of your life with someone else. You cannot condense all those thousands of moments down into one perfect story. It all just disappears.
My life has become the proverbial tree in a forest - it fell but nobody was there to hear it since the one person who did hear it no longer exists. So did it really happen?
It doesn't really feel like it.
It feels like I have no history, no past, no shared story with anyone.
My history disappeared with the only other person who was there for it.
No wonder it feels like I barely exist these days.