I was reminded once again yesterday of just how much I have lost.
I was talking to someone about nicknames your friends have for you and I realized I don't have any nicknames anymore. He said it came from knowing someone since you were kids. Ah. It hit me - I don't have friends who have nicknames for me because the only friend I've had since I was a kid was Craig. And all my nicknames disappeared when he did.
It is such a strange feeling, having half your life wiped out like that. Imagine having that best friend you spent the last decade of your life with, who knows you better than anyone, who can read every gesture and facial expression, who has a thousand pet names and inside jokes that only the two of you share. Imagine that kind of closeness.
Then it is gone. Wiped out. Disappeared.
You cannot regain those moments or capture them in a story. You cannot recreate those years of your life with someone else. You cannot condense all those thousands of moments down into one perfect story. It all just disappears.
My life has become the proverbial tree in a forest - it fell but nobody was there to hear it since the one person who did hear it no longer exists. So did it really happen?
It doesn't really feel like it.
It feels like I have no history, no past, no shared story with anyone.
My history disappeared with the only other person who was there for it.
No wonder it feels like I barely exist these days.
Wow! This really spoke to me...so true.
ReplyDeleteEmily unfortunately what you say is true but you must also remember that Craig and you did exist and that no one can take those memories from you. Memories are not bringing you comfort at this time but hopefully they will in time. The one year anniversary will be very painful and you will relive it all again and again. Expect to be in a fung for a while but keep talking, writing and crying to help you find your way. The way is very different from what you want/wanted but it is your new way. I will remember you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteEmily,
ReplyDeleteYou dont know me, but ive stumbled across your blog today. Ive spent most of my day at work reading every post from the beginning. Ive found myself crying while reading about your journey, laughing from some of the stories you've shared, and in a strange way, feeling like i have gotten to know you. I read my fair share of blogs...but have never commented on any. But like i said, i feel like ive gotten to know you as ive read your posts. I cant say I know how you feel or what you are going through, but i am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted you to know that if you ever need anyone to talk, cry to, complain to, vent to, or just anything at all...you can email me anytime or just know that someone is out there praying for you!
-Heather
Hbass02@yahoo.com
I just wanted to let you know that your words captured perfectly some of the things I have been feeling lately.
ReplyDelete