It's only 10 days until The Big Anniversary and to say I'm obsessing would be a bit of an understatement. Everything makes me think about Craig right now. It's like going back in time 11 months and not being able to stop that tape from playing on a loop inside my brain.
I think about the whys, the hows, the what ifs. In grief group they mentioned making peace with the 'unanswerable questions' but I don't see how you ever could. Imagine that. Imagine a question there really has no answer. Just theories, one after another, each one as improbably and unprovable as the last. Now imagine you have thousands. And thousands and thousands and thousands. That's what it is like. But you can't help but ask all the questions anyway and try to figure out all the answers anyway.
I watched a movie this week (Love and Other Drugs... not bad, kinda sad). The whole movie made me think of Craig and me and our lives and how it all turned out. Here's a quote I loved:
"Sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect, happens. I don't know. You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed."
That's what it was like with Craig.
He was that person and it changed everything. Everything.
I used to be kind of a nerd. Ok, I still am. But I was good at school and did my homework and all that stuff. I was accepted into the advanced placement program at Western Canada High School. My parents thought it was too far from where we lived and so I opted for the same program at Father Lacombe. Catholic school, parents didn't approve. So I gave up and went to Forest Lawn as a last resort.
At that point, I stopped caring. I knew I wouldn't do much with schooling after, knew I couldn't get into any of the good programs I wanted, knew it would greatly affect my college/university options down the road. So I just stopped caring about school. I made friends who were fun instead of friends who were obsessed with grades and homework and being the top of the class. That's how I met Craig.
He was fun.
Fast forward 4 years and we get married. Fast forward five more years, and he is gone.
All those things that happened in between - my going to school, his going to school, my career, the fights, the arguments, the make-ups, buying a house, moving, moving, moving, family battles, infertility, Hawaii, beautiful moments, sad moments... so much crammed into such a short lifetime.
Now everything that has happened since. The heartache, the loneliness, fights with family and friends, quitting my job, lawsuits and court, pouring over letters and photos and all those unanswerable questions.
And all because I met one person who would change my whole life.
So overwhelming to realize that all those experiences and pain and joy and life could reduce down, collapsing in on itself, to one little choice my parents made that they probably didn't think too much about, that wasn't even a big deal at the time.
Did they have any idea that that one choice would lead to this entire life for me?
Of course not.
Did that other drive know that leaving work that day at that exact moment, and not one minute sooner or later, would change his life and the lives of so many other people forever?
Of course not.
Did Craig know that moving into that house would ultimately lead to his death one day? That had we lived in any other house on any other street in the city, he'd probably still be walking, talking and just fine?
Of course not.
The scary thing is, every decision we make could be utterly unimportant (as I believe most are) or the most important one you ever make.
You just don't get to know which it is until it's too late.
And you never know how things will turn out with the people in your life, who will be a central character or just a mere footnote.
They might be just a friend passing notes to you in the cafeteria but end up changing your whole life forever, over and over again.