Saturday, May 29, 2010

Not Quite Yet

I was on my way to meet a friend for coffee the other day. Was in a bit of a rush, trudging through the crowded downtown streets, focused on just getting where I needed to go.

I looked up and walking towards me was an old coworker I haven't seen in years. Was a bit surprised he even recognized me.

Being the lonely widda I am (Widda: A younger, less scary version of widow), my face lit up and I was genuinely thrilled to see an old familiar face.

We both stopped to chat and catch up for a few minutes. He told me about where he was working, teased me about being a slave to the corporate world, had a few laughs.

And then, "So I hear you got married. How's that going?"

Time freezes. All I hear is white noise.

Deep breath.


Stop looking like a deer caught in headlights.

This silence is going to long.

Just say it.

Say something.

Say anything.

Then, "Great! It's really good."

And with that we parted ways, he on to his life, me on to mine.

I couldn't quite choke out the words I wanted to say.

"Married life? I can barely remember. I have no idea how married life is anymore, I have no life at all. My husband died, he is gone."

There will be more, I'm sure. Old friends, acquaintances, strangers. Splashing into ordinary moments of my life like little droplets of rain, only to disappear as quickly as they come. People who won't know. People I will have to tell.

But for now, I guess I am not quite there yet.

For now I will just pretend.


  1. It's crazy how many things like this there are that most people, including me, don't think about and how hard it must be for you in these unexpected moments! I'm praying for you and I love you lots!!!

  2. Wow. I thought I was the only one that did this. Going through my denial stage & then at times when it was just too awkward to tell the truth. As long as I knew I could get away with it, I figured why not? Let me just live in my pretend world for that split second, reality is just too painful sometimes.