Fair is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days. Nobody ever said life was fair. All is fair in love and war. Fair's fair. And so on and so forth.
But where does 'fair' come in to play in all this?
It doesn't seem 'fair' that my husband, a good man, a kind man, a loving man, would be taken from this world when so many horrible people doing terrible things are allowed to stay in it.
It doesn't seem 'fair' that two loving parents should lose their only son, the most precious part of their lives.
It doesn't seem 'fair' that a young wife should have to lose the love of her life without even getting to say goodbye.
It doesn't seem 'fair' that just when his life was getting started, it should all be taken away by someone else, without him even getting a chance to fight for it.
It doesn't seem 'fair' that any of this would happen at all.
One of my favourite song lyrics has been running around and around in my head since the day of the accident:
"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."
I've always loved this line.
It says, hey, if life was really fair and people really got what they deserved, we'd all be in a world of hurt. Because we are all flawed. We all screw up, we all hurt other people, we all do the wrong thing. But thank God for grace because it sets everything to rights and protects us from the consequences we really deserve for all the things we do.
Only now how do I reconcile this concept with my new life?
On the one hand, I am grateful life is not fair. Grateful that we are not punished for every mistake we make.
On the other hand, why couldn't this one thing be the one time life was fair? Because if it was, no way would my husband, who is so desperately needed here, be taken away.
No way would his parents have to live the rest of their lives without their only child, without grandchildren.
No way I would have to live out the rest of my life alone, separated from my other half.
No way would some other guy be walking away after falling asleep at the wheel while my husband's ashes sit by my bedside.
I wish I had an answer to this one.
I wish I could understand.
But it just isn't fair.