As my first post, I feel it is only appropriate I start at the beginning. Or at least, the second beginning. The first being the day I met Craig and my real life started and the second being the day I lost him and my real life stopped. Although, truthfully, he's not lost since I know exactly where he is. Not entirely sure what this new life is going to be like but for those of you who are curious, I'll do my best to keep you posted on the journey.
Craig, my husband, my lover, my best friend... killed on March 16, 2010 at 9:20 am in a head-on collision on the road by our home on his way to work. It was not a snowy day, it was not a special day, just a regular Tuesday. A neighbour was coming home from a night shift, fell asleep at the wheel, and crashed into Craig head on. He died minutes later.
Most days it feels as though I died that day too - I have been reduced to a walking corpse. The mind cannot fathom the body's ability to continue to survive, despite a total lack of willingness of my soul to comply. This is my new normal.
We were married for 4 1/2 years but best friends for 9 years. High school sweethearts, buddies, each other's favourite half. They say that love is really defined as one soul inhabiting two bodies and this couldn't be more true.
Maybe this is why I don't know me anymore.
If Craig and I were one, who is this person left behind? She is not someone I recognize when I look in the mirror. Her words sound foreign on my tongue. She is a ghost and a stranger. All these years and I hadn't noticed - I only ever saw myself as the reflection in Craig's eyes. Who he saw was who I saw. And now without him here to see me, I cannot see me.
So throw out everything you think you know about grief. I have. There is no manual, no instructions, no normal. The mind simply will not allow itself to imagine something this horrifying. Call it self preservation at its finest. I know most of you don't understand because you cannot understand.
So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to write. And write and write and write. I will be honest, I will be plain, I will share with you all the ups and downs. While I don't know if it will help bring you along so that you can understand, it will at least help me tell my story.
Please check back often, I expect I'll write daily. Pass along this link, ask questions, post comments. If there is anything you want to know, please inquire. Nothing is off limits, I am an open book.
For now, just my thought for the day. A poem by Emily Dickenson that summarizes today's mood perfectly:
You left me, Sweet, two legacies, -
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;
You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.
Craiggie, I miss you...