Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Beginning...

As my first post, I feel it is only appropriate I start at the beginning. Or at least, the second beginning. The first being the day I met Craig and my real life started and the second being the day I lost him and my real life stopped. Although, truthfully, he's not lost since I know exactly where he is. Not entirely sure what this new life is going to be like but for those of you who are curious, I'll do my best to keep you posted on the journey.

Craig, my husband, my lover, my best friend... killed on March 16, 2010 at 9:20 am in a head-on collision on the road by our home on his way to work. It was not a snowy day, it was not a special day, just a regular Tuesday. A neighbour was coming home from a night shift, fell asleep at the wheel, and crashed into Craig head on. He died minutes later.

Most days it feels as though I died that day too - I have been reduced to a walking corpse. The mind cannot fathom the body's ability to continue to survive, despite a total lack of willingness of my soul to comply. This is my new normal.

We were married for 4 1/2 years but best friends for 9 years. High school sweethearts, buddies, each other's favourite half. They say that love is really defined as one soul inhabiting two bodies and this couldn't be more true.

Maybe this is why I don't know me anymore.

If Craig and I were one, who is this person left behind? She is not someone I recognize when I look in the mirror. Her words sound foreign on my tongue. She is a ghost and a stranger. All these years and I hadn't noticed - I only ever saw myself as the reflection in Craig's eyes. Who he saw was who I saw. And now without him here to see me, I cannot see me.

So throw out everything you think you know about grief. I have. There is no manual, no instructions, no normal. The mind simply will not allow itself to imagine something this horrifying. Call it self preservation at its finest. I know most of you don't understand because you cannot understand.

So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to write. And write and write and write. I will be honest, I will be plain, I will share with you all the ups and downs. While I don't know if it will help bring you along so that you can understand, it will at least help me tell my story.

Please check back often, I expect I'll write daily. Pass along this link, ask questions, post comments. If there is anything you want to know, please inquire. Nothing is off limits, I am an open book.

For now, just my thought for the day. A poem by Emily Dickenson that summarizes today's mood perfectly:

You left me, Sweet, two legacies, -
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.

Craiggie, I miss you...


  1. I never thought I would say this... but I understand. I hate that I understand, but I do and I am sorry for both of us. I hope that this blog will help you to find a way out of this place.

  2. As hard as it may be for those of us who cannot understand to read, I commend you. I know nothing of grief or pain of this magnitude. Thank you for sharing for I'm sure that you will touch someone's life who needs your wisdom and experience. Though I do not count myself among those at this time, I appreciate the opportunity to learn and love you more.
    God Bless,

  3. Unfortunately I too understand this pain...the ache...the shell of who I once was is all that is left behind. I loved being a defined me perfectly. I loved being his bestfriend. I feel my daughter has lost both of us...because I can never be who I once was...and for that I am sad.

  4. What a lovely first post - keep it up Emily, its an amazing way to get it out and help you heal and to process this life we all never wanted but somehow ended up with.... I'll come back and read often x

  5. Emily, this Blog is amazing.
    You are such a great writer and if this is a way to help heal some of the pain and share some great memories, then that's great.
    Suffering a loss is so difficult. I have lived some and though different in so many ways, there is nothing better then being able to share your feelings and taking in all the family and friend support that you have.
    Keep up the writing!

  6. are putting into words my exact feelings. I am a lot older than you (56), but we met later in life and were together for nine years - married for four and a half. My best friend died on 17th December 2010..collapsed on 12th and died five days warning. I miss him so badly ...your words are just how i am feeling...thank you for writing them...Jenni xx

  7. Emily.... Reading ur first post has reduced me to tears. I lost my husband 2 months ago also in a car accident on his way home from work. I am feeling exactly what u r writing. U r so gifted to put into words what we r feeling. thank u

  8. You have the gift of beautifully conveying the awfulness you've been through. I am so glad I have found your blog, I am going to read it from start to finish! I am 23 and my partner of 5 years (best friend of 7) was run over by a car and has been in a deep coma for 2+ months. He isn't dead, and nothing is for certain expect for the fact that my/our life has changed and will never be the same again, I am grieving the life I had and the future we planned. Thank you so much for starting this blog, I am sure you have helped so many people. Again, so glad I found you! xxx

  9. I could have written this myself. 5 weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life, my whole self, my Honey, 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary. I have no will to go on, no reason to get out of bed.

  10. I could have written this myself. 5 weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life, my whole self, my Honey, 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary. I have no will to go on, no reason to get out of bed.

  11. I lost my beautiful, brave husband who
    had been battling cancer for 5+ years just last week. I am grateful for the fact that i got to spend time with him as i had been caring for him full time ever since he relapsed last year.. But people are already been telling me to move on... How do I move on? I can't even look at his picture or hear his name being mentioned without feeling like my heart is being smashed into pieces and feeling like i can't breathe...I had to brace and prep myself as though for war everytime people call and asked to visit cos I know they are going to ask about his last moments.. and i just can't...