Thursday, July 22, 2010

Forward Motion

A friend said to me once, one day I hope this no longer defines you.

My immediate reaction was, how can it not? How could there ever come a day when this is not everything in my life? When this is not the entirety of who I am?

I have thought on this long and hard over these last months.

And slowly, but surely, I am beginning to see a me unfolding that exists not separate and apart from this, but is whole after it.

My new life is taking form.

I am finding my own joy again, my own little pieces of happiness.

I laugh and smile, sometimes uncontrollably. Often innappropriately.

I have new dreams, new goals, new plans. Not yet fully formed, but they are there, taking shape one step at a time.

I am reclaiming my house, my closets, my bookshelves. Filling these spaces with the things I love rather than the things that make my heart ache.

I am organizing and decluttering, simplifying my life the way I need to.

I am surrounding myself with good people - friends and family who help me along and give me strength rather than suffocate or harm me.

I am reforming my beliefs and my faith in a way that is stronger and richer than I ever imagined possible. My God is my lifeline.

I have found a way to let love back into my heart and into my life. It is stronger than the fear.

I am letting go of the things of the past. I still hold them close to me, cherish and treasure them, but I have begun the arduous task of leaving them where they should be.

I am retraining my eyes to look forward instead of backwards.

I am redirecting my footsteps to move ahead instead of taking me running further behind.

I am gently pulling my heart forward so it beats again with purpose and passion instead of grief and suffering.

Each day has begun to hold promise instead of feeling like a prison sentence.

I have hope.


  1. Emily, I am SO proud of you. On this journey which is SO hard, you are working 24/7 to not let it destroy you, but to face the overwhelming things (almost everything) and deal with them as you feel strenthened and able to do so. WAY TO GO!! I pray for you - that you would have strength for the moment, one at a time. I'm thrilled to read that joy and happiness comes to visit sometimes - may they become more frequent and longer-staying friends.

  2. Way to go, Emily, this is wonderful. It would be so easy to just sit in self-pity and misery, but that helps no one. Sounds like you're doing so well and making so much progress, and it's all on your own time. I can't imagine your pain, but I can feel your happiness and hope and fresh breath come through these words and I smile for you. Remember these feelings, they are the ones that will lift and move your forward.