Craig's one wish for our marriage was always the same - that one day I would need him. I don't just mean financially or to reproduce (although obviously for those as well), but truly need him in an emotional way. The kind of give-in-give-up-put-your-whole-heart-and-sole-in-his-hands kind of way.
I was always too fiercely independent.
I couldn't help it.
I grew up in a house where being able to take care of yourself was one of the most highly valued traits a person could possess, especially as a woman. Be resourceful, be strong, be tough. Never have to rely on anybody. Always be able to stand on your own two feet.
Craig battled this in me constantly. He wanted to be the man I needed, the man I relied on, the head of our household. I, meanwhile, loved being strong, being independent, not needing anybody.
I remember many an argument that ended with him declaring in utter frustration, 'Why do you have to be so damn independent?' or 'Why can't you just let me do this one thing for you?'
But I was too stubborn and too proud to give in to that.
I think about it now all the time. Especially today for some reason. How my stubbornness and independence have saved me now. How the great irony is that if I had given in and allowed myself to completely rely on him, without being strong on my own account, I would be in an even sorrier mess right now.
It has also made me question why I was never able to let go of that last inch of me. To give myself fully to him or anybody else. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that it was always about fear. Fear that in relying too much on someone, I would always need them. That one day they would be gone and I would be helpless. That God was not someone I could trust to protect me, that I would ultimately have to protect me.
So does this mean I was right?
I'm not sure.
What I do know is that I am so very, very tired of being tough and being strong and being independent.
I would very much like to give in and need someone now.
I would throw myself at Craig willingly.
After years and years of fighting it, this is the thing that breaks me.
I don't know yet if that is good or bad.
I can only hope the person I finally choose to need is always there, so I don't have to go back to being strong again.
Because I don't know how much of that strength I have left.