Thursday, July 15, 2010

Have I Changed?

"People do not really change. They are just undefeated because they have gone on trying." - The Disappeared

Have I changed?

Sometimes I think I have transformed into an entirely new person. One I do not recognize, one I do not know.

I speak from a place that is unfamiliar, my words tumbling out in a torrent of pain, anger, hate, sadness, frustration, rage... none of it in a language I understand.

I make decisions that are rash after exhaustively analyzing all options. Decisions I would never have had to make or would have imagined.

I feel as though I was reborn 4 months ago. I have no memory of my past life. Only this new one. I am at once newly born and an old, weathered soul.

But then from time to time I see the glimpses of my former self.

The Emily who used to laugh with abandon. Throwing my head back, blissful, loud enough for the entire office to hear.

The Emily who thought cleverness was important. Who thrived on the idea of being smart, quick, sharp.

The Emily who cared so very much for the things and the people of this world. Cared about paying her bills on time, cared about her prized posessions, devoted hours and hours of time into the people she loved.

How can a person feel so disconnected from this world and from her past but still scream out that she is the same person?

I wish I knew.

I have said over and over, there is no going back. I can never be that person again. The old Emily is dead and gone. She died the same day Craig did.

But maybe it's just that version of me that everyone thought they knew who is gone. Maybe my essence is still there, I'm just the only one who knows which parts.

Perhaps I have not really changed, am not really different at all.

I may appear entirely new, but maybe the only change is that I am undefeated from refusing to stop trying. From refusing to give up the fight.

Maybe that is really the only change.

1 comment:

  1. I love you sister you think of so many thing that I don't and I love you for it and for being undefeated as painful as it is. I'm glad you are searching and discovering who you are, who you were, and who you are going to be. I love you the way you are-broken or not the old Emily or the knew.