Monday, July 26, 2010

The Things Taken From Me

For those of you imagining a sweet and graceful widow, filled only with sadness and no other emotion, you best avert your eyes now.

Because today I'm having an angry day.

Today I am mad at Craig for all the things he has taken away from me. Yes, I know the accident was not his fault in any way. Yes, I know he did not choose this.

But, still, there is this anger...

You took away my chance at having children. We both know I had only a couple years at most because of my Stupid Syndrome and now it is unlikely at best that I will be able to get married and try again before I am completely unable.

You took away my financial security. We were finally working at decent jobs, earning enough, paying off our debt. A couple more years and we'd have been laughing all the way to the bank.

You took away my ability to enjoy driving. Now all I do is cringe and flinch every time I get inside a vehicle. I am waiting for my head-on collision. I used to love driving. Now I'm just afraid.

You took away my ability to trust other human beings. You promised you'd never hurt me, but you did. You promised you'd never leave me, but you did. You promised we'd grow old together, but we never will. Now every time I hear someone else promise me anything, I think, it's only a matter of time.

You took away the joy in so many places. Now they are just tragic reminders, knifing my heart every time I see them. Our church, the hill, our school, the grocery store, our home, and everywhere in between.

You took away Hawaii. And I so loved Hawaii. But now I can never go back except to scatter your ashes and let my heart break all over again. It was so beautiful. And you promised this year we would go make new memories there. Now I will have to do it alone. And then I will never want to remember it again.

You took away my ability to be entertained. Every movie is a trap, every t.v. show is a tragic reminder, every radio station is a minefield. I have to be constantly vigilant to protect myself and have lost any chance of being entertained or finding enjoyment at all.

You took away my ability to let myself love anyone. I gave everything over to you, loved you with everything I had, invested my heart and my dreams in you, and you destroyed it all. Now I am unable to make myself do this with anyone else, no matter how much I want to.

You took away my trust in God. Now I know he can let the worst happen. Now all I can do is scream at the heavens, why? Why did you look away? Why weren't you paying attention?

You took away everything I would have every achieved. I would like to go back to school, but can't. I would like to have children and a family, but can't. I would like to grow old, travel, retire, have grandchildren... but can't.

There is no joy left in these things and if I managed even one, all I would ever want is to tell you and ask, aren't you proud of me?

But you are nowhere to ask and the only answer would be your unending silence.

1 comment:

  1. I wish there were words to ease the pain, to help in some way, but I know there isn't....but please know you are being thought about, always. I am so glad you are expressing your anger, this kind of situation is bound to make you angry-at anyone and everyone involved, regardless of fault! You need to be able to let those thoughts and feelings out, in order to work through them. You are never going to just "move on", but working through these feeling will help you move forward in your grief. I hope inside this devastation you find moments of peace, moments of laughter and moments of love. Hugs.