I thought this was the first big decision I had to make without you - whether or not to leave my job.
Then I remembered:
I had to choose whether to cremate or bury you.
I had to choose whether to go see you at the morgue or to send someone else.
I had to choose what kind of flowers you might want.
I had to choose whether or not to go see the wreckage of the car.
I had to choose which photos told your story the best.
I had to choose which words to use in your obituary.
I had to choose who would speak at your service on your behalf.
I had to choose which people to keep in my life and which ones would do more harm than good.
I had to choose which of your things I was ready to give away and which ones I just can't part with yet.
I had to choose what to do with your wedding band and mine.
I had to choose, every day, whether or not to get out of bed, to keep going or to give up.
So maybe this one isn't so big after all.
Still wish you were here to help me logic this one out. To be the sounding board. To add just the right amount of humour at just the right moment to get me laughing again. To tell me what I should do next, even though all you ever did was guide me back to what I was already thinking anyway.
Where are you, babe?
When are you coming home?
PS I still miss you, dammit.