Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Widow vs. The Fridge (of Doom)

Today Widow takes on The Fridge (of Doom). Epic battle ensues.

Fridge has been collecting expired bottles of condiments, growing slime, and harbouring hidden foodstuffs for far too long. Widow finally summons the courage and strength of character to take him on.

She comes armed to the teeth: Rubber gloves, bucket of suds, scrub brush, industrial strength garbage bags.

Plan in hand, she begins at the top shelf, set to work her way down.

Shelf 1: Fridge Takes An Early Lead
Widow forgets they are removeable and spends 15 minutes bent at awkward angle, tediously cleaning between each wire in the rack. It is only when she twists away for a breather and gets her cloth stuck (thus jerking said shelf from its hanging) that she remembers this all-important fact. 10 points to Fridge.

Shelf 2: The Cheese Drawer
This time Widow knows better. She removes shelf and attached cheese drawer. She tosses expired dressings and sour cream, washes drawer by hand, is feeling triumphant! When replacing cheeses back into drawer, a small block of cheese falls out of its half-sealed Ziploc bag. Widow reaches for it and unsuspectingly wraps her hand around one mouldy-ass block of havarti. She flings the cheese in disgust, emitting a hoarse scream. She then crawls on her hands and knees to the laundry room where said cheese has landed and must pick it up again, just to throw it out. This time Widow dons gloves. 10 points to Fridge.

Shelf 3: The Glass of Illusion
Third and final shelf, made of glass. Widow is feeling desperate and tired. Stupid Fridge is turning into a beast of a job. Where oh where is faithful husband who always takes care of such things? But Widow has learned and she is clever. She tugs and pries and glass shelf is removed. She cleans it carefully in the sink, extra cautious so as not to drop and shatter it. She is triumphant! 10 points to Widow! However, Widow is baffled when trying to return said glass into intricate and maze-like shelf contraption. She struggles, she shouts, she falls to her knees and curses the heavens! Finally, her father's words echo across her mind, 'When all else fails, use brute force and ignorance. Guaranteed to get results!' Widow decides this is her last hope. She slams said glass back into shelf, where it clicks into place. Victory is mine!!! 10 more points to Widow.

The Final Battle: Fridge Door
Widow removes all condiments, chucking numerous bottles into industrial strength garbage bag - a gift from the heavens. She wipes, she scrubs, she polishes until all surfaces gleam. Pleased, she reachs for door and begins to slide it closed. Much clattering ensues. Widow has forgotten all the bottles she so carefully lined up on the floor, now knocked over by the closing Fridge door and rolling across the kitchen. Much profanity ensues. 10 point deduction to Widow for unsportsmanlike behaviour.

Finally all surfaces are clean, Fridge is practically empty. Widow is pleased. But what's this? Why is Fridge silent? Where is the screaching of the motor she is so used to hearing? Where are the whirs, clicks, and grunts normally emitting from its backside? Please God, prays Widow, please let me not have jostled the cord loose. I am but a weak Widow, incapable of pulling it from the wall and plugging it back in. Widow weeps. If Husband was here, this would never have happened.

Then, slowly, quietly, out of the silence Widow hears it... an almost imperceptible click and the gentle purr of the motor returning to life.

Widow leaps to her feet and cheers! 100 points to Widow! Justice has been served!!!

Take that you stupid Fridge.


  1. Haha, what an excellent tale of vigilance and victory! This is one that shall be passed and remembered, the adage being: "If the Widow can defeat The Fridge, then you, too, can overcome."

    Good for you, Emily, I'm sure your nose will thank you for it! :)

  2. Bahahahahaaa!

    Love Ruth :)

  3. I lol as I read your blog today. This was hillarious and it is wonderful that you can share your sense of humour. You have a gift for writing and I hope this gift will help you as your move forward on your journey. May God Bless you and hold you in His arms.