Friday, August 20, 2010

Not Okay

No, I am not doing ok.

I might get dressed, shower, leave my house (on occaision) but that means nothing. I am not ok.

My days are consumed with an overwhelming feeling of isolation and loneliness. I can't think about my future because I just don't care about it or whether or not I even have one. I can't think about my past or our life together because I can barely remember it and when I do, it makes me want to not go on.

My chest hurts constantly. It was like this the first few weeks after the accident and then went away for awhile but now it's back. It literally feels like my heart is breaking. My sinuses hurt, my head aches, my eyes burn... how is it possible for someone to cry this much?

I don't care about my messy house or not having a job or going broke or how anyone else is doing. Food tastes like plastic, I'd just as soon not eat at all. I should pay my bills but I can't even remember where I put them.

I have a million things to do but each tiny task feels like climbing a mountain. Go get groceries? I'd have to climb off the couch, turn the shower on, get in, clean up, towel off, dry my hair, find clothing, put them on, brush my teeth, wash my face, find shoes to wear, leave the house, get into the car, drive, walk up and down all those aisles, pay, drive all the way back home, unload all those groceries and put them away... it just feels too hard. And besides, I'll just throw half of them out when they go bad anyway.

I am numb.

I look at pictures of Craig and feel nothing. I am so empty and so cried out and so beyond hurt or pain that the suffering has drained every last feeling out of me.

All I want is to see him, touch him, run my hands through his hair. I miss every single thing about him.

How can a person go from being here and so alive to just gone? How can someone just disappear?

Why does it feel like I'm just disappearing too?

Why don't I care?


  1. Emily what you are experiencing is perfectly normal under the circumstances. I have been following your blog for a while and I am going to make a suggestion based on my knowledge (psychology). You need to seek out a therapist to help you work out your issues and this will take time and effort on your part. Your feelings and what you are presently experiencing will notgo away and you will always feel your lose. Find someone who you feel comfortable with and start talking and a family member or friend can't do it. I have suggested this to many friends and everyone has found it helped them in the end. Perhaps you have a plan through your work that will assist you in finding someone you can talk to. A very dear friend of mine went thur something similiar and although I tried to assist him I kept telling him to seek out assistance for himself and his son. After they did that (and it took a long time to get where they needed to be) they were so happy they had taken my advice. I hope you are not offended by my suggestion but I think you need a professional at this stage. I will continue to remember you in my prayers and May God help you thru this oh so difficult time.

  2. Further to my comment earlier I am suggesting a counsellor for your benefit not because I think you are "crazy" but because in my opinion I think a professional may assist you in dealing with your grief. You will have to process this grief on your own, in your own time and in your own way. What a counsellor can do is assist you along the journey and reinforce the fact that your roller coast ride of grief is normal and not unusual. Sometimes we don't even recognize the fact that we need assistance from someone who is an "outsider" to give us a unique perspective. I hope this will help you and that is the reason for my suggestion. I by no means wish to upset you or make you feel any worse than you already feel. It is a suggestion that I feel may assist you. Please don't take this the wrong way.

  3. Thank you for the suggestion. I am actually seeing two counsellors already. I find them very helpful.


  4. I am glad to hear that you are seeing someone. I am sure they have told you your reactions and up and down emotions are pretty standard. Keep going and keep talking and I hope your blog is helping you as well. One of my clients told me about your blog and she has found it very helpful in her healing process. You are the only one who knows exactly what you need but I know that in the long term these counselors will help. Hang in there. Regarding your bills on your to do list...can any of these be put on monthly debits from your chequing account or on to a Visa/Mastercard. You are probably doing that but I have had many clients that just "forget" about some of the their options when they are living with grief.

  5. I wish there were words to take away the pain, all I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know there are people out 'here' sending you love, hugs and strength. Take care.