No, I am not doing ok.
I might get dressed, shower, leave my house (on occaision) but that means nothing. I am not ok.
My days are consumed with an overwhelming feeling of isolation and loneliness. I can't think about my future because I just don't care about it or whether or not I even have one. I can't think about my past or our life together because I can barely remember it and when I do, it makes me want to not go on.
My chest hurts constantly. It was like this the first few weeks after the accident and then went away for awhile but now it's back. It literally feels like my heart is breaking. My sinuses hurt, my head aches, my eyes burn... how is it possible for someone to cry this much?
I don't care about my messy house or not having a job or going broke or how anyone else is doing. Food tastes like plastic, I'd just as soon not eat at all. I should pay my bills but I can't even remember where I put them.
I have a million things to do but each tiny task feels like climbing a mountain. Go get groceries? I'd have to climb off the couch, turn the shower on, get in, clean up, towel off, dry my hair, find clothing, put them on, brush my teeth, wash my face, find shoes to wear, leave the house, get into the car, drive, walk up and down all those aisles, pay, drive all the way back home, unload all those groceries and put them away... it just feels too hard. And besides, I'll just throw half of them out when they go bad anyway.
I am numb.
I look at pictures of Craig and feel nothing. I am so empty and so cried out and so beyond hurt or pain that the suffering has drained every last feeling out of me.
All I want is to see him, touch him, run my hands through his hair. I miss every single thing about him.
How can a person go from being here and so alive to just gone? How can someone just disappear?
Why does it feel like I'm just disappearing too?
Why don't I care?