Monday, June 21, 2010

The Best Part of Me

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? What am supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok? I'm falling to pieces."

Love this song. Love these lyrics. They echo so perfectly the hurt of being the one left behind.

Craig was the best part of me, the best part of my life.

He brought me from naive and selfish to loving and kind. Taught me about being a good wife and a good partner. What it meant to put someone else's happiness above your own. To really work for something. To suffer for something. To love in a way that went deeper than hurt.

No marriage or relationship is perfect and ours certainly had its share of problems. We fought, we argued. We took our turns hurting each other. Said unbreakable words. Things that seep into your mind and set up camp for years.

But we always fought for each other. In the end, we always came back to one another. Friends first.

I remember in the aftermath of one epic battle, after retreating to our separate corners of the house, slowly making our way back to one another on the couch. We just sat there staring at each other. Finally Craig spoke up with what would become a standard post-war line, "we're still friends, right?" And I couldn't help but laugh. I told him that was the thing about us. Whenever something great happens, you want to tell your best friend about it. Whenever you get into a fight with your boyfriend, you want to tell your best friend about it. Whenever you are hurting, you need to cry to your best friend. And he was my best friend. And whatever happened with us, I had to come back to him because he was my best friend and who else was I going to talk to about it? This friendship between us become the bond that always pulled us back to one another.

This friendship was one I valued above anything else. It made me who I am today. He truly was the best part of me. The part that was kind, that still knew how to laugh. He made me want to be a good woman - the woman he saw whenever he looked at me. And I know he felt the same way. How many times did he look at me and ask, "Why do you stay with me?" and my response was always the same, "Because I can see your heart better than anyone and I know who you really are, even if you don't."

But now he's gone. He's ok - fine, safe, happy. And I'm all alone and left behind to pick up the pieces.

And I don't know how to be that woman anymore. He was my anchor, my rock, my touch point. Without him here to tell me I'm a good woman, I just don't know that I am anymore.

I'm so quick to anger. The words that spill out of my mouth often make me cringe with regret. I hurt others. I'm not strong. I'm not courageous. I'm not kind. I can barely pick myself up off the floor and any vibrancy I once had has evaporated.

With the best part of me gone - the part Craig helped create - it feels like only the bad parts are left. The failures, the deficiencies, the defective bits.

Who I am hates who I have been.

I wish he was here to help me. I'm falling to pieces.

And I have no idea how to fix it.


  1. Craig was right; You are a good woman.


  2. Craig was are a good woman.


  3. I was given your blog address by a friend and I just had to write. I just sat and read all your entries through tears, what a loving, wonderful wife....just as lucky as you were to have Craig, he was to have you. The reason I had to write was to tell you that you are strong-the fact you face each day,whether you want to or not, supports this. I read something a while ago that stuck with me, that strength is not the ability to never fall down, to never fall to your knees and fall apart...but the ability to stand back up and keep going-and you are doing that. Yes, you have a tough time, yes you fall apart, yell, cry, say things you regret-we all do and we are not in the unimaginable pain you are-don't be so hard on yourself! I wish there was way to 'fix' the pain, to ease the pain but know there are people thinking of you and sharing in it and I hope in some ways it helps to know your story, you, and Craig, are touching lives.

  4. That's exactly how I feel. The good part of me left with him.