Friday, June 25, 2010

The Coroner's Report

Today is the first day in three and a half months I did not receive anything in the mail related to Craig or his death.

Does this mean things will finally begin to ease up?

Or is this the calm AFTER the storm?

Because yesterday I received the coroner's report.

And what a storm that was.

I pulled it out of the mailbox, saw the Medical Examiner's Office in the return address, and, even though I knew months ago this was coming, thought, 'Now what bloody paperwork are they sending me?'

My heart literally stopped when I saw what it was. I sat in my car, shaking, trying to breathe, and sobbed.

Yes, I knew what it would contain. Yes, I knew it would be graphic. Yes, I knew it would be bad. But the DETAIL. The level of detail. That I was not prepared for. Lacerations, bruising, puncture wounds... on and on and on. Which bones were broken and where, which wounds were bleeding, even the exact size of the blue of his eyes. All accompanied with happy little diagrams in case the lingo was a little too over my head.

True, the imagination can always conjure up things far worse than fact. But in this case, I guess not. I feel ill. I couldn't sleep. Maybe I won't again. After seeing his body, I can now match up all the injuries to what I saw. This realization was like a sucker punch to the gut.

Please don't ask me why I read it.

The best I can explain is that I was not there.

I. Was. Not. There.

I need to see it. I need to know the details. I need the graphic images. Because otherwise, it stops being real. And not believing this is real is one dangerous road to go down.

I would give anything in the world to have been there.

To hold his hand.

However bad it would have been for me, I would have survived. I could live with those images and those memories. But this I cannot. Because I still have those images only coupled with the horrifying knowledge that he had to go through this alone. That he was broken and suffering and scared and I was not there. And for that, I can never forgive myself.


  1. Your message today is overwhelming and I can't imagine the pain that you are experiencing. The Mediacal Examiner'e report would surely be a jolt for anyone and we can only pray that that Craig did not feel too much pain. We can't be with the special people in our lives at every moment of the much as we would love to be together all the time. I will remember you in my prayers and I hope you can somehow find peace. Your motto One Day At a Time must be remembered as you proceed along this oh so difficult road. My heart goes out to you.

  2. I wasn't there either and I understand. Logic and reason says we have no blame, there was nothing we could have done; but I will never, never forgive myself for not being there either. I am sorry, but I understand.

  3. I am so, so sorry. I understand the "you don't want to read it but you have to at the same time" feeling. I can't imagine how hard that was to read, to picture and my heart breaks for you. I know it isn't the same, that you will always wish you were there, that things were different but I hope you know that to him, you were by his side. He would have pictured your face and felt your love, and that is all he needed. I know his love for you and yours for him would have flooded him in those last moments, and he would only be glad you weren't there to be hurt. I hope somehow you feel some peace, that you can close your eyes and picture YOUR Craig, feel his love for you. Thinking of you.

  4. Really everyone--I don't know you all but you DON'T understand and maybe never will.
    The whole "I understand" shit is getting old. Stop saying that!!! stop writing it!!! Don't compare your situation with Emily's--IT IS NOT THE SAME!!! There was only one Emily and Craig Garvin. Their relationship their bonds their deep understanding of each other is and was their own!! Maybe just maybe you can identify with something she says or writes but let me make it clear you all you have NO CLUE or come close to understanding!! It's an entirely different situation and person(Craig) than your own so it's impossible for you to "understand". Use your words carefully and think about what you write before you write it. and PLEASE remember what Emily writes about is NOT ABOUT YOU!!! or your lost loved ones it's about her and her dearly treasure loved one Craig Garvin.
    I love you Emily.

  5. Hey Everyone,

    I appreciate ALL the comments that everyone posts - the feedback is great and it means a lot to me when each of you take the time to write me a note of support.

    I am writing this blog not just for me, but for all of you.

    Many of you who read it are widows/ers, like me, and understand the things I describe here. Many of you have lost other people in their lives and I hope that my words can reach out to you to help you with your grief in some way. And of course, so many of you are friends, family, and acquaintances who are simply trying to grasp the enormity of Craig's death. I write this for all of you as well.

    I hope that in my writing many of you will come to understand the different aspects of this journey and that my words might touch you in some way.

    Thank you all so much for continuing to read.