Today I miss the ease of my old life.
The way Craig was just there - dependable, stable, utterly reliable. I miss the ease of routine and the security that comes from years of familiarity.
I miss coming home to a house already tidied, my buddy in his favourite chair, exactly where I knew he'd be before I even walked in the door. The same grin on his face when I walk in, one foot resting on the opposite knee, hand casually playing with the hem of his jeans. His stance. The stance I know and recognize a mile away.
I miss not having to explain how I feel, why I'm upset, what is going through my mind. Because he just knew. The tilt of my chin, a subtle running of my hand through my hair, a quick dart of my eyes - he knew all these quirks off by heart and could read them like a book. It is so hard and takes so long to explain to everyone how I feel and what I need. I wish he was here now to know these things so I could take a break from explaining every thought and hurt, so someone could just know without me having to utter a single word.
I miss those happy days and quiet evenings. The comfort of years of togetherness, where no words are required and the silence is like a warm blanket. Content to just sit, content to just be.
I miss a decade of history that is now erased. Why does that tree on the side of the road bother me? He would understand. Why does that sign make me laugh? He would get it. Why do I turn up the stereo to this song? He would just know. How can I ever tell my story, 9 years worth, to someone else and make them understand? I don't think there is a way.
I miss my friend. My best friend. Who knew me inside and out, who got all my jokes, who understood my soul better than I did.
Where are you, friend?
Where are you?