Thursday, September 2, 2010

I'm Allowed To Be Mad

Off to court today to review evidence and prep.

Hey, maybe I'll get really lucky and get to see some gruesome shots of my husband's corpse. Super fun!

Yes, I'm mad.

Yes, I'm bitter.

Yes, I'm angry.

I challenge any person out there to go through this and never feel any of these things. I would like to see the widow who is all grace, happy and smiling, not bothered by her husband being killed.

Show me this widow.

I'd like to meet her.

Because as far as I can tell, I got a crap deal. I had a great husband, who I actually appreciated, which is a heck of a lot more than most people (hence an over 50% divorce rate, I guess). We actually had a good marriage, cared deeply about one another. We were good people.

There is nothing fair about this.

There is no higher purpose.

There is no 'big plan'.

Unless the big plan is to let horrible people have fun and easy lives while good people have to suffer. In which case, what a crap plan.

I'm allowed to be angry that some stupid idiot destroyed my entire life because he was a wee bit tired one day.

I'm allowed to be pissed that the God I followed my whole life decided my husband wasn't worth saving. That God either purposely decided to end my husband's life (and mine for all intents and purposes) in this horribly violent way or He just didn't care enough to pay attention for those two damn seconds it would have taken to save Craig.

I'm allowed to be frustrated with all the stupid people who say stupid things to me because they just can't bother to think before stuff flies out of their mouths. News flash: If you aren't widowed, you have no idea what this is like! Judge not lest you also get the opportunity to be judged - and you better hope you don't.

Sorry I'm not the cutesy, sweet, smiling widow everyone expects.

I'm just me.

And as a human, I have feelings.

Get over it.


  1. Emily I can't imagine what you are suffering through and it is tough to believe that a loving God would allow this to happen. I don't know how you can possibly understand the what and the why of your situation. Anger, bitterness and absolute disappoinment in a loving God are pretty normal under these circumstances. I admire your ability to blog about it and enjoy your ability to write. One day at a time is what is all about...but what a tough, horrible journey you have. I will remember you in my prayers even when I am questiong this loving God.

  2. Some people just don't get it, but the worst believe they do.

  3. Emily, I know exactly how you feel. I know the anger, hate and frustration. You have every right to these feelings. I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this. It isn't fair. As far as what everyone expects of you: F@#K them! You do what you need to do, when you need to do it, and how you need to do it.

  4. What you are feeling, although I haven't been in your situation, I think seems very understandable. You lost your best friend, your husband, your can you not be mad, be angry, bitter, frustrated etc etc at the circumstances.. I think you are right to let yourself feel these things,don't try to hide them or run from them. Let them come at you and work through them, like you say, one day at a time. This journey is going to be that, an uphill battle each day, hopefully getting a little easier along the way. THere will be, "one step forward, two steps back" days and those are the hardest but keep doing what you are doing and not what is 'expected'. Nobody can feel exactly how you do, even if they have experienced the loss of a spouse it is never exactly the same for any two people so you do what you need to. I don't know you personally but I respect all you say and are doing to survive, and I know many days right now that is all it feels like you are doing. But keep going, one day, one step, at a time!

  5. I admire you and the way you can articulate things... I am newly widowed and hope that I'll be able to eventually be able to collect my thoughts as well as it seems you have...