Off to court today to review evidence and prep.
Hey, maybe I'll get really lucky and get to see some gruesome shots of my husband's corpse. Super fun!
Yes, I'm mad.
Yes, I'm bitter.
Yes, I'm angry.
I challenge any person out there to go through this and never feel any of these things. I would like to see the widow who is all grace, happy and smiling, not bothered by her husband being killed.
Show me this widow.
I'd like to meet her.
Because as far as I can tell, I got a crap deal. I had a great husband, who I actually appreciated, which is a heck of a lot more than most people (hence an over 50% divorce rate, I guess). We actually had a good marriage, cared deeply about one another. We were good people.
There is nothing fair about this.
There is no higher purpose.
There is no 'big plan'.
Unless the big plan is to let horrible people have fun and easy lives while good people have to suffer. In which case, what a crap plan.
I'm allowed to be angry that some stupid idiot destroyed my entire life because he was a wee bit tired one day.
I'm allowed to be pissed that the God I followed my whole life decided my husband wasn't worth saving. That God either purposely decided to end my husband's life (and mine for all intents and purposes) in this horribly violent way or He just didn't care enough to pay attention for those two damn seconds it would have taken to save Craig.
I'm allowed to be frustrated with all the stupid people who say stupid things to me because they just can't bother to think before stuff flies out of their mouths. News flash: If you aren't widowed, you have no idea what this is like! Judge not lest you also get the opportunity to be judged - and you better hope you don't.
Sorry I'm not the cutesy, sweet, smiling widow everyone expects.
I'm just me.
And as a human, I have feelings.
Get over it.